Managing Former Peers: The Awkward Transition to Leadership (And How Coaching Eases It) | Dancing Dragons
Managing Former Peers: The Awkward Transition to Leadership (And How Coaching Eases It)
Navigate the challenging transition from peer to manager with proven strategies for rebuilding relationships, establishing credibility, and leading your former colleagues.
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Managing Former Peers: The Awkward Transition to Leadership (And How Coaching Eases It)
Monday you were equals, commiserating about the manager together over lunch. Tuesday you are the manager, and lunch is suddenly awkward. The promotion you worked hard for brings challenges no one prepared you for.
Managing former peers is one of the most difficult leadership transitions, yet organizations consistently underprepare new managers for this challenge. The result: damaged relationships, uncomfortable dynamics, and often, failed transitions that derail promising leaders.
If you've recently been promoted to manage people who were your peers—or you're supporting someone who has—this guide provides the frameworks and strategies that make this transition successful.
Why This Transition Is So Difficult
The peer-to-manager transition creates a fundamental shift in relationship dynamics that challenges both the new manager and their former peers:
Relationship Renegotiation
Every relationship you had with former peers must be renegotiated. The informal, equal dynamic must evolve into something that includes authority, accountability, and evaluation. Neither party has a template for this new relationship.
Some former peers will adapt gracefully. Others will struggle—feeling betrayed, resentful, or uncertain how to relate to you now. You'll feel these reactions acutely because you know these people well.
Credibility Challenges
Your former peers have seen you at your worst—your mistakes, complaints, frustrations, moments of doubt. They know you're not superhuman. This familiarity cuts both ways: they may trust you more, but they may also question whether you're really ready to lead.
Additionally, you may have been chosen over internal candidates who wanted the role. Managing someone who also wanted your job adds complexity to already challenging dynamics.
Loyalty Conflicts
As a peer, you may have shared confidences, complained about leadership together, or made promises about "when one of us is in charge." Now you're the leadership being complained about, and those confidences become awkward.
You may also have stronger relationships with some team members than others. Managing this uneven history fairly while maintaining appropriate professional distance is difficult.
Identity Shift
Your identity within the group must change. You were "one of us"—now you're "one of them." This shift feels like betrayal to some former peers and disorientation to you.
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Managers
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The social dynamics shift too. Are you invited to happy hour? Should you go? What can you say about leadership decisions? What complaints can you share, and which must you keep private?
Common Mistakes New Managers Make
Mistake 1: Pretending Nothing Has Changed
Some new managers try to maintain peer relationships exactly as before. They continue social patterns, avoid exercising authority, and hope the friendship-management conflict will somehow resolve itself.
It won't. Leadership requires making decisions that affect your team, providing feedback (including difficult feedback), and sometimes making calls people disagree with. Avoiding these responsibilities doesn't preserve friendship—it undermines both leadership effectiveness and eventually the friendships themselves.
Mistake 2: Overcorrecting to Distance
The opposite mistake: becoming formal and distant to establish authority. The new manager stops socializing entirely, becomes stiff in interactions, and creates artificial boundaries that feel like rejection.
This overcorrection damages trust and morale. People feel abandoned by someone they expected to understand them as a leader.
Mistake 3: Playing Favorites
Showing preference for close friends or being harder on friends to prove fairness—both create problems. Former peers watch closely for favoritism, and any perception of unfairness undermines credibility.
Mistake 4: Apologizing for Authority
New managers often feel guilty about their authority, especially when making unpopular decisions. They apologize excessively, frame decisions as things "I have to do," and undermine their own authority.
This weakens leadership effectiveness and actually increases team anxiety. Teams want confident leaders, even when they disagree with decisions.
Mistake 5: Trying to Change Everything Immediately
Eager to make their mark, some new managers implement rapid changes without building buy-in. Former peers who weren't consulted feel disrespected, and resistance builds.
The Framework for Successful Transition
Phase 1: Acknowledge and Reset (First 2 Weeks)
Have individual conversations. Meet privately with each direct report to acknowledge the changed relationship and discuss how you'll work together. Be honest about the awkwardness and invite their input.
"I know this is a shift for both of us. I value our relationship and want to navigate this transition well. What concerns do you have? What do you need from me as your manager?"
Acknowledge what you're leaving behind. You can't complain about senior leadership with your team anymore. You can't participate in gossip or speculation. Acknowledge this shift: "I need to be more careful about what I say now. That's not about trust—it's about my new role."
Clarify expectations. Be explicit about what changes and what doesn't. "I still want your honest input. I still value your friendship. And I need to be fair to everyone, which means some dynamics will shift."
Phase 2: Establish Your Leadership (Weeks 2-8)
Make necessary decisions. Don't defer difficult decisions hoping to be liked. Your team needs leadership. Make calls, explain your reasoning, and invite input—but ultimately, decide.
Give feedback early. Providing feedback establishes that performance conversations are normal, not exceptional. Start with positive feedback, but don't avoid developmental feedback when needed.
Run effective meetings. How you lead meetings signals your leadership style. Be organized, inclusive, decisive, and efficient. This builds credibility through demonstrated competence.
Manage the skeptic. There's often someone who tests your authority, either openly or subtly. Address this directly but professionally. "I sense some resistance to my leadership. I'd rather discuss it openly than let it fester. What's going on?"
Protect the team. When you advocate for your team with senior leadership, word gets back. Demonstrating that you represent their interests builds trust that you're still "on their side"—just in a different role.
Phase 3: Build New Relationship Patterns (Months 2-6)
Develop consistent practices. Regular one-on-ones, team meetings, feedback rhythms, and communication patterns create predictability. Your team learns what to expect from you.
Be consistently fair. Fairness matters more than being liked. When you treat everyone equitably—holding everyone to the same standards, providing similar opportunities—trust builds even with people who aren't your friends.
Find the right social balance. You can maintain friendships while respecting professional boundaries. Some social interaction is healthy; just be thoughtful about what you discuss and ensure it's inclusive.
Address concerns directly. When you sense issues—someone feeling overlooked, favoritism concerns, frustration with decisions—address them directly rather than hoping they'll resolve.
How Executive Coaching Accelerates This Transition
Executive coaching is particularly valuable during the peer-to-manager transition for several reasons:
Objective Perspective
A coach provides outside perspective unclouded by organizational relationships. You can discuss dynamics honestly without political considerations, getting feedback you can't get from colleagues.
"My former work spouse is clearly upset about the promotion. Here's what I'm seeing..." A coach can help you interpret dynamics and plan responses without agenda.
Practice and Preparation
Difficult conversations—giving feedback to a friend, addressing resistance, making unpopular decisions—benefit from practice. Coaching provides space to rehearse conversations, anticipate reactions, and refine approaches.
Real-Time Processing
The transition throws constant challenges. Weekly coaching sessions let you process situations while they're fresh, adjusting your approach based on what's working and what isn't.
Leadership Development
Beyond managing the transition, coaching develops the leadership skills you'll need for your entire career. Delegation, feedback, decision-making, and influence skills established now serve you indefinitely.
Accountability
It's easy to avoid difficult conversations or defer decisions when no one's checking. Coaching creates accountability for leadership actions you know are necessary but are tempted to postpone.
Specific Coaching Focus Areas
Feedback Skills
New managers often struggle with feedback—either avoiding it or delivering it poorly. Coaching develops ability to:
Provide clear, specific feedback tied to observable behavior
Balance positive and developmental feedback
Have difficult conversations without damaging relationships
Receive feedback from former peers about your leadership
Decision-Making Confidence
Coaching helps develop confidence in your authority:
Making decisions without excessive consensus-seeking
Standing behind unpopular decisions
Distinguishing when to consult versus when to decide
Communicating decisions with appropriate confidence
Relationship Boundaries
Coaching helps navigate the complex territory of professional friendship:
Determining appropriate social boundaries
Managing confidences from before the promotion
Handling requests to "be cool about this"
Maintaining warmth while exercising authority
Managing Up
Your relationship with your own manager affects your success. Coaching develops skills for:
Getting support without appearing weak
Advocating for your team effectively
Managing expectations about what you'll accomplish
Navigating disagreements with senior leadership
When the Transition Isn't Working
Sometimes, despite best efforts, the transition doesn't work. A former peer can't accept your authority. A friendship is irrevocably damaged. Someone undermines you persistently.
Signs of serious problems:
Continued resistance after direct conversation
Pattern of undermining behavior
Refusal to perform or follow reasonable direction
Team dynamics suffering due to one person's attitude
When these occur, you face a difficult choice. Coaching can help you:
Assess whether the situation is salvageable
Plan escalating interventions
Prepare for possible separation conversations
Manage team dynamics if someone leaves
Process your own emotions about difficult outcomes
The hardest part of leadership is sometimes making decisions about people you care about. Coaching provides support through these difficult moments.
Success Stories: What Good Transitions Look Like
The Direct Conversation Approach
A new manager met individually with each former peer within her first week. She acknowledged the awkwardness directly: "This is weird for both of us. I don't have it all figured out. But I'm committed to being fair and supporting your growth. Tell me what you need from me, and please tell me when I'm getting it wrong."
This transparent approach built trust and gave her permission to learn. A year later, she had strong relationships with her entire team—different from before, but healthy and productive.
The Performance Challenge
A new manager inherited a close friend who was underperforming. After months of avoiding the issue, he worked with a coach to prepare for the conversation. He was direct about the performance gap while expressing belief in his friend's capability.
The conversation was uncomfortable but necessary. The friend improved, and the relationship survived—both of them later acknowledged that the honest feedback helped.
The Graceful Exit
A new manager had a former peer who simply couldn't accept her authority. After multiple attempts at resolution, she worked with her manager to help him find a role on another team.
The transition preserved the relationship—they remained friends—while removing an untenable dynamic. Sometimes the best outcome is a graceful exit that serves everyone's interests.
Conclusion
Managing former peers is challenging but navigable. Success requires acknowledging the awkwardness, establishing clear expectations, developing new relationship patterns, and building leadership credibility through consistent, fair behavior.
Executive coaching accelerates this transition by providing objective perspective, practice opportunities, and support through difficult moments. The skills developed during this transition serve leaders throughout their careers.
The peer-to-manager transition is where leadership begins. Navigate it well, and you build foundation for everything that follows.
Recently promoted to manage your former peers? Download our free 'From Peer to Leader' playbook for the specific framework to rebuild credibility and set expectations with your team. Or schedule a conversation with a coach who specializes in helping new managers navigate this critical transition.
